Unconventional Obits

PUTTING CAMPAIGN RHETORIC TO REST

 

Expose it to global warming

I have a plan to implement fundamental change in campaign rhetoric. Expose it to global warming, greenhouse gasses, government bailouts and radical Islamic extremism. This will insure its unilateral withdrawal from all human discourse.

Wresting WMD from the mouths of candidates may seem as unrealistic as persuading Sarah Palin to stop wearing lipstick, but it can and must be done.

Washington is broken, and we need to bring the country together by instigating innovative strategies that make politicians accountable to increased transparency, techno-progressivism and libertarian meritocracy. 

If elected President, here’s how I plan to do it.

With all poles focused on the economy, it’s time to talk timetables. Those who think the surge is surging are wrong. We can no longer afford to risk America’s reputation around the world, not to mention our blood and treasure, by destabilizing our vocabulary. We owe it to those who have given their lives in service of language to hop aboard the straight-talk express - unless it isn’t going anywhere. I have the experience to straight talk about Islamofascism, ethnicity, viability, moral clarity, checkbook diplomacy, the global struggle against violent extremism, faith-based initiatives, special-interest lobbies, free trade, tax loopholes, campaign finance reform, accountability, broad partisan support and Joe Biden’s bald spot.

No one wants to marry a cabbage

The negative campaign against clarity is eroding our verbalization. This is very personal to me. Spiel, spin and candidate-speak are issues that span the aisle and consolidate the opposition. My opponents are spending us into verbal bankruptcy-recklessly. Marriage is between a man and a woman because no one wants to marry a cabbage - even though a cabbage has strong ties to going green. I want to make that perfectly clear. Biofuels, solar and wind energy aside, we need the climate to change back to where it was before it became inconvenient.  Judges need to interpret the Constitution, not go around taking sides. As a strict Constitutionalist, I would much prefer to be run over and killed by an illegal alien than give him or her a driver’s license. If illegal aliens currently living in the U.S. are granted driver’s licenses, they would have to learn to drive, obey our laws and provide a home address. God help us all.

Protect us against Hispanic gardeners

Here’s the thing. Homeland Security needs to protect us against Hispanic gardeners, the Axis of Evil and no child left behind because there are no gays in Iran. Ahmadinejad said so. We must secure our borders, provide universal healthcare to everyone except migrant farm workers and their families, and put the mortgage crisis on the back burner with pork-barrel spending, baked beans and Osama bin Laden. We need to get a handle on punditry, give love a chance and lobby for a shortfall in the bottom line so Congress can throw its weight behind meaningful legislation. Let’s aggressively pick up the pace, stop the war on the middle class and encourage consumers to spend the economic stimulus package on defeating the tax cuts.

Either that, or hold our ears for years to come.

My name is Katharine Lowrie, and I approve this message.

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PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH’S POLYPS

July 21, 2007

War on Iran never materialized

Five polyps, famous for ending the Bush presidency and sweeping Dick Cheney into office for all of two hours, perished Saturday, July 21, 2007. They were less than a centimeter. Doctors discovered the polyps in President Bush’s large intestine during a routine colonoscopy performed at the Camp David presidential retreat in Maryland after Bush temporarily ceded power to Vice President Cheney under the rarely invoked 25th Amendment. The fear that Cheney’s brief reign might inspire a declaration of war on Iran never materialized. The VP, according to what his people told our people, spent “a normal Saturday” at his home on the Chesapeake Bay in St. Michaels, Maryland. “He read a book,” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous. Details on which book were withheld.

More info on Bush’s colon than on Lewis “Scooter” Libby

Details on the presidential polyps, on the other hand, consumed the networks ad nauseum for two days. Given far more information by the White House on Bush’s colon than was ever available on Lewis “Scooter” Libby or Valerie Plame (we won’t even go into Alberto Gonzales), reporters found innumerable dull ways to report everything from how often the disability clause of the Constitution has been invoked (three times; once by President Reagan and twice by Bush) to Bush’s polyp history (discovered twice before he took office) to the amount of time (down to the second) of President Cheney’s stint in office (7:16 a.m. EDT to 9:21 a.m. EDT). We learned that Bush called his wife twice (Laura was in Midland, Texas celebrating her mom’s birthday), before and after the exam; the colonoscopy took 31 minutes and required five doctors (one for each polyp), and - once the anesthetic wore off - the 61-year-old President played with his dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley.

Look, no one here is disputing the importance of spreading the word about colon cancer, the fact that 112,340 new cases are expected this year, that anyone over 50 should have regular colonoscopy exams. Any excuse to broadcast that information is good. But when a somewhat routine medical examination assumes the weight of a Supreme Court decision reversing Roe vs. Wade, it might be nice to touch on the millions in this country who can’t get a colonoscopy due to an inability to afford health insurance.

That said, the Presidential Polyps are survived by Bush’s large intestine, innumerable state dinners and Osama bin Laden.

[KBL]

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PARIS HILTON
February 17, 1981 to June 8, 2007

 

She suffered from severe Prima-Donna Trauma

Paris Hilton - the hotel heiress best known for strolling red carpets and uttering “That’s hot!” - succumbed to what LA County Sheriff Lee Baca termed “increasing deterioration” on Friday, June 8, 2007. She was 26.  Remanded to the Correctional Treatment Center at Los Angeles County’s Twin Towers jail facility to undergo medical and psychiatric evaluation, the fallen debutante suffered from severe prima-donna trauma after an angry Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer sentenced her to prison for the second time in a week. Clapped in handcuffs and bundled off sobbing in a squad car, Hilton wasn’t even accorded the courtesy of text-messaging her way out of another court appearance.

Within touch-tone of Spago 

In a back-and-forth scenario worthy of the Marx Brothers, the jet-setting socialite had been released from the slammer on June 7th after serving only three days of a 45-day sentence for violating probation in a drunk driving case. Sheriff Baca cited overcrowding in the county jail and “undisclosed” medical problems as reasons for placing the mentally fragile heiress under house arrest in her Hollywood Hills mansion. Within touch-tone of Spago, just steps from her pool, Hilton was fitted with an electronic monitoring anklet similar to one worn by an equally famous ex-con, Martha Stewart, and told to stay put for the next 40 days.

“More like a spa treatment than an actual sentence.”

Hilton’s house arrest provided a treasure trove of material for comedians like George Lopez, who termed her incarceration “more like a spa treatment than an actual sentence.” Others expressed rage, including Al Sharpton who charged that Hilton’s transfer from a 100 sq. ft. cell to her Rococo estate afforded the socialite favors unavailable to less famous inmates. Still others insisted Hilton’s wealth and celebrity status had earned her a harsher sentence than most.

Best Scream

With an inheritance estimated at $30 million, the pouty-lipped socialite co-starred with off-and-on BFF Nicole Richie in The Simple Life, the Fox reality show in which the two perform grueling tasks such as washing a dish and dusting a table. A minor role in the 2005 horror film House of Wax earned Hilton a Teen Choice award for “Best Scream” and a Razzie nomination for “Worst Supporting Actress.” In 2006, she went straight-to-DVD in National Lampoon’s Pledge This! And her solo album, Paris, which one reviewer described as an “instant tanker,” suffered sluggish sales after an impressive debut. Conversely, a 2005 Carl’s Jr. TV commercial, in which Hilton served sex instead of burgers while soaping a car (and herself), got a jillion hits on the Internet.

Confessions of an Heiress

Born February 17th, 1981 in New York, the actress/singer/model and, oh, yes, author (Confessions of an Heiress written with Merle Ginsberg, Simon & Schuster, 2004), grew up flitting between Beverly Hills, the Hamptons and a permanent suite at the Waldorf-Astoria in Manhattan. One of several starlets upon which rock-singer Pink allegedly based her hit song, Stupid Girls, Hilton opted to drop out of high school in her senior year, her flirtation with higher education ending with a GED. Modeling contracts with Eileen Ford and Donald Trump held more appeal.

The prison lacks a conceirge 

Hilton’s path to the big house began Sept. 7, 2006 when she failed a sobriety test after police saw her weaving down the street in her Mercedes on a late-night run to a burger joint. She pleaded “no contest” to reckless driving and was sentenced to 36 months of probation, alcohol counseling and $1,500 in fines. Caught driving with a suspended license twice in 2007 landed Hilton in Sauer’s courtroom. On June 3, after posing in a frilly black cocktail dress at the MTV Movie Awards, the heiress turned herself in at the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, where she later complained to her personal psychiatrist (the prison lacks a concierge) about bad food, noise and a thin mattress.

Hilton is survived by her dog Tinkerbell

Hilton is survived by her dog Tinkerbell (among other teacups), a fiercely protective stage mother, Kathy Richards, her real-estate tycoon daddy, Rick Hilton, a designing sister, Nicky, two younger brothers, Barron Hilton II and Conrad Hilton III, and a number of ex-boyfriends, including Rick Saloman, Hilton’s costar in 1 Night in Paris, the homemade sex video that earned the platinum-haired heiress worldwide notoriety in 2004. Grieving ex-fiancés include Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos III, Greek shipping heirs Hilton was engaged to for a New York minute.

 

Illustrious kin 

As the great-granddaughter of Conrad Hilton, founder of the Hilton hotel chain, Paris leaves behind other illustrious kin, including Elizabeth Taylor, whose short-lived marriage to Conrad’s son Nicky in the 1950s made her an auntie. Sorta. Hilton’s erstwhile great-grand-stepmom, Zsa Zsa Gabor - another notorious, blonde tabloid grabber - was Conrad’s second wife, and their daughter, Francesca Hilton, is a bona fide great aunt to Paris and her siblings. Had Zsa Zsa’s current husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, proved paternity over Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, Dannielynn, the imprisoned heiress might have laid claim to that media mess. Alas, Larry Birkhead’s DNA deprived both von Anhalt and Princess Paris of legal access to the late actress’s baby. Bummer.

[KBL]