PUTTING CAMPAIGN RHETORIC TO REST

Expose it to global warming

lipstick-2.jpg

I have a plan to implement fundamental change in campaign rhetoric. Expose it to global warming, greenhouse gasses, government bailouts and radical Islamic extremism. This will insure its unilateral withdrawal from all human discourse.

Wresting WMD from the mouths of candidates may seem as unrealistic as persuading Sarah Palin to stop wearing lipstick, but it can and must be done.

Washington is broken, and we need to bring the country together by instigating innovative strategies that make politicians accountable to increased transparency, techno-progressivism and libertarian meritocracy.

If elected President, here’s how I plan to do it.

With all poles focused on the economy, it’s time to talk timetables. Those who think the04biden-2.jpg surge is surging are wrong. We can no longer afford to risk America’s reputation around the world, not to mention our blood and treasure, by destabilizing our vocabulary. We owe it to those who have given their lives in service of language to hop aboard the straight-talk express – unless it isn’t going anywhere. I have the experience to straight talk about Islamofascism, ethnicity, viability, moral clarity, checkbook diplomacy, the global struggle against violent extremism, faith-based initiatives, special-interest lobbies, free trade, tax loopholes, campaign finance reform, accountability, broad partisan support and Joe Biden’s bald spot.

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PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH’S POLYPS

July 21, 2007

War on Iran never materialized

cheney.jpgFive polyps, famous for ending the Bush presidency and sweeping Dick Cheney into office for all of two hours, perished Saturday, July 21, 2007. They were less than a centimeter. Doctors discovered the polyps in President Bush’s large intestine during a routine colonoscopy performed at the Camp David presidential retreat in Maryland after Bush temporarily ceded power to Vice President Cheney under the rarely invoked 25th Amendment. The fear that Cheney’s brief reign might inspire a declaration of war on Iran never materialized. The VP, according to what his people told our people, spent “a normal Saturday” at his home on the Chesapeake Bay in St. Michaels, Maryland. “He read a book,” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous. Details on which book were withheld.

More info on Bush’s colon than on Lewis “Scooter” Libby

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