July 21, 2007
War on Iran never materialized
Five polyps, famous for ending the Bush presidency and sweeping Dick Cheney into office for all of two hours, perished Saturday, July 21, 2007. They were less than a centimeter. Doctors discovered the polyps in President Bush’s large intestine during a routine colonoscopy performed at the Camp David presidential retreat in Maryland after Bush temporarily ceded power to Vice President Cheney under the rarely invoked 25th Amendment. The fear that Cheney’s brief reign might inspire a declaration of war on Iran never materialized. The VP, according to what his people told our people, spent “a normal Saturday” at his home on the Chesapeake Bay in St. Michaels, Maryland. “He read a book,” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous. Details on which book were withheld.
More info on Bush’s colon than on Lewis “Scooter” Libby
Details on the presidential polyps, on the other hand, consumed the networks ad nauseum for two days. Given far more information by the White House on Bush’s colon than was ever available on Lewis “Scooter” Libby or Valerie Plame (we won’t even go into Alberto Gonzales), reporters found innumerable dull ways to report everything from how often the disability clause of the Constitution has been invoked (three times; once by President Reagan and twice by Bush) to Bush’s polyp history (discovered twice before he took office) to the amount of time (down to the second) of President Cheney’s stint in office (7:16 a.m. EDT to 9:21 a.m. EDT). We learned that Bush called his wife twice (Laura was in Midland, Texas celebrating her mom’s birthday), before and after the exam; the colonoscopy took 31 minutes and required five doctors (one for each polyp), and – once the anesthetic wore off – the 61-year-old President played with his dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley.
Look, no one here is disputing the importance of spreading the word about colon cancer, the fact that 112,340 new cases are expected this year, that anyone over 50 should have regular colonoscopy exams. Any excuse to broadcast that information is good. But when a somewhat routine medical examination assumes the weight of a Supreme Court decision reversing Roe vs. Wade, it might be nice to touch on the millions in this country who can’t get a colonoscopy due to an inability to afford health insurance.
That said, the Presidential Polyps are survived by Bush’s large intestine, innumerable state dinners and Osama bin Laden.