Expose it to global warming
I have a plan to implement fundamental change in campaign rhetoric. Expose it to global warming, greenhouse gasses, government bailouts and radical Islamic extremism. This will insure its unilateral withdrawal from all human discourse.
Wresting WMD from the mouths of candidates may seem as unrealistic as persuading Sarah Palin to stop wearing lipstick, but it can and must be done.
Washington is broken, and we need to bring the country together by instigating innovative strategies that make politicians accountable to increased transparency, techno-progressivism and libertarian meritocracy.
If elected President, here’s how I plan to do it.
With all poles focused on the economy, it’s time to talk timetables. Those who think the surge is surging are wrong. We can no longer afford to risk America’s reputation around the world, not to mention our blood and treasure, by destabilizing our vocabulary. We owe it to those who have given their lives in service of language to hop aboard the straight-talk express – unless it isn’t going anywhere. I have the experience to straight talk about Islamofascism, ethnicity, viability, moral clarity, checkbook diplomacy, the global struggle against violent extremism, faith-based initiatives, special-interest lobbies, free trade, tax loopholes, campaign finance reform, accountability, broad partisan support and Joe Biden’s bald spot.
No one wants to marry a cabbage
The negative campaign against clarity is eroding our verbalization. This is very personal to me. Spiel, spin and candidate-speak are issues that span the aisle and consolidate the opposition. My opponents are spending us into verbal bankruptcy-recklessly. Marriage is between a man and a woman because no one wants to marry a cabbage – even though a cabbage has strong ties to going green. I want to make that perfectly clear. Biofuels, solar and wind energy aside, we need the climate to change back to where it was before it became inconvenient. Judges need to interpret the Constitution, not go around taking sides. As a strict Constitutionalist, I would much prefer to be run over and killed by an illegal alien than give him or her a driver’s license. If illegal aliens currently living in the U.S. are granted driver’s licenses, they would have to learn to drive, obey our laws and provide a home address. God help us all.
Protect us against Hispanic gardeners
Here’s the thing. Homeland Security needs to protect us against Hispanic gardeners, the Axis of Evil and no child left behind because there are no gays in Iran. Ahmadinejad said so. We must secure our borders, provide universal healthcare to everyone except migrant farm workers and their families, and put the mortgage crisis on the back burner with pork-barrel spending, baked beans and Osama bin Laden. We need to get a handle on punditry, give love a chance and lobby for a shortfall in the bottom line so Congress can throw its weight behind meaningful legislation. Let’s aggressively pick up the pace, stop the war on the middle class and encourage consumers to spend the economic stimulus package on defeating the tax cuts.
Either that, or hold our ears for years to come.
My name is Katharine Lowrie, and I approve this message.